What's the Distinction?
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: A serious-minded but humorously written Bert/Ernie. Ernie can't place a strange feeling, so Susan steps in to help him figure it out. Excited, Ernie rushes to tell Bert about it, who doesn't want to be bothered. Completely Y rated stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is a completely serious take on Bert/Ernie, as I feel it would be handled if (old style)Sesame Street ever decided to introduce gaity. The idea came to me when I saw how many people exaggerated the 'evidence' in their actions, rather than looking at any actual emotions in there. So if you expect smut, please leave now. For the rest of you, please enjoy now my take on Bert/Ernie. Sweet, innocent, but still fiery as anything. Note also that the pageant mentioned is actually a real sketch, and Bert really did have that song in it.

Ernie shuffled down Sesame Street, looking very much deep in thought.

It was not long after the Sesame Street emotions pageant, and Bert's impromptu song about love had left Ernie feeling very strangely indeed. Why, he had no idea Bert even had such deep feelings!

He heaved a sigh and passed the courtyard, where Susan was sitting at a table, reading. She heard Ernie's approach and looked up. Upon seeing his face, hers turned to concern and she got up to stop him. Placing a hand on his shoulder she asked, "Ernie, Ernie are you alright? You seem depressed."

Ernie stopped and looked up.

"Oh, hi Susan." he greeted, and looked down again. "I-I'm not really depressed, but I don't know what I _am_.."

Susan's brow furrowed in confusion and worry.

"Well, do want to talk about it with me?" she offered.

Ernie contemplated, and then nodded. "Yeah, I suppose so." Susan smiled warmly.

"Alright now, why don't you just come over here to the table, and we'll talk all about it. Ok?" she said, steering him into a seat. She sat down opposite him, and silence fell as Ernie twiddled his fingers.

"Ernie? You know you can tell me. What's wrong?" Susan pried as gently as possible.

Ernie shifted.

"Well," he started, "Well you know the pageant about emotions we just had not too long ago?"

Susan nodded. "Yes, I loved it! You guys did a really good job with it I thought."

Ernie nodded in acknowledgement.

"Yeah, well, you know the song Bert sang?"

"Oh, you mean the one about love?"

Another nod from Ernie. "Mhm. Yeah."

Susan looked confused.

"Yes. What about it?" she inquired.

"Well y'see," Ernie explained, "I think he explained it really well. And y'know, I feel that way about pretty much everyone I know. Why, I even feel that way about _you_ Susan!"

Susan beamed, "Aw, that's really sweet Ernie. Thank you! But what's the problem? You love everybody. Ok. That's who you are."

Ernie shook his head in exasperation.

"I know _that!_ But the problem is, I _don't_ feel that way about _Bert!_" he exclaimed desperately.

Susan leaned back, surprised.

"You don't?" she asked incredulously, "But Ernie, I thought he was your best friend. Are you sure?"

Sniffling, Ernie nodded.

"Oh my, that _is_ a problem!" Susan gushed in concern, "Well, well then what _do _you feel about Bert?"

Wiping his nose, Ernie told her, "Well, I really do like him. It's _like_ the kind of love I know, but it's a lot of other things too! I always want to make him happy, and share in it, I hate it when he gets mad at me for a long time, and whenever he visits his aunt or something, I always feel all alone and sad. I don't feel quite so sad when Grover or Big Bird or-or Cookie Monster leaves for a while. I don't know, I guess, I guess I just never wanna be away from ol' Bert."

He glanced back at his hands.

"An'-an' when, in his song, he said that he-that he loved _me_, I-I felt so moved and _glad!_ I'd never _felt_ so glad about someone saying they loved me. At least that's what the knot in my stomach was saying."

He put a hand over his eyes.

"I'm so confused!"

Susan smiled and reached out to rub his shoulder.

"Well don't be," she consoled, "because I think I know what your problem is!"

Ernie straightened, alert.

"You do?!" he exclaimed. Seeing her laugh and nod he grabbed her sleeve and demanded, "Yeah? Yeah? Well what is it? Tell me tell me!"

Curbing her laughter, Susan put her arm around Ernie and said, "Oh Ernie, don't you see? You _do_ love Bert! You love him more than you do anyone else! Why, I think you're actually _in_ love with him!"

Ernie tilted his head.

"_In_ love?" he questioned, "What's the distinction?"

Susan gave another light laugh.

"Well love is really any affection you feel for a person, a thing, a food, or anything!" she defined, "To be _in_ love is to feel a really _strong_ affection. A-A deep attachment. A connection of sorts. You never want to leave what or whoever it is alone."

"Oh!" Ernie realized, "Like Cookie Monster and cookies! Or Oscar and trash, or-or you and Gordon!"

"Yes! Just like that." Susan confirmed, grinning.

"Wow!" reveled Ernie, "I'm in love with Bert! Oh boy, I gotta go tell him! Thank you Susan!" He got up and started off, but then turned back and kissed Susan on the cheek. "Love you!" he added joyfully before bouncing off.

Laughing again she waved and called, "Bye bye Ernie! Love you too! And you're welcome!" Then, still beaming, she picked up her book and resumed reading.

**-stream of assorted theme, letter and number clips-**


	2. Chapter 2

Bert was alone in the apartment basement. Ernie inexplicably missing after the pageant that morning, Bert decided to once again attempt some peaceful reading.

No such luck.

As soon as he had deemed it safe enough to read and had settled in his chair, who else but Ernie came charging through the door, shouting merrily.

"Bert! Oh Bert!" he called as per usual greeting. He circled Bert's chair and bounded to a halt, hands on the armrest. "Oh, it's wonderful Bert! Guess, guess, guess!"

Bert unpursed his lips and let out a deep sigh.

"Ernie, please. Not now." he grumbled, "I literally _just_ started reading."

"Oh, come on Bert. It'll only take a second." pleaded Ernie.

"But Ernie, I've been trying to start this book for weeks!"

"I won't leave 'til you guess, Bert!"

Bert heaved a defeated and heavy sigh.

"Alright, alright, fine. Um, you did something fun at the park." he guessed.

"Nope. Guess again Bert."

"Guess again, ok, uh, they've got something new at Hooper's Store." Bert tried.

"Nope. Guess again."

"Herry showed you a new trick."

"Nope."

"Ya got to be on Kermit's news show."

"Nope. But that'd be fun."

"You've got a new hobby."

"Nope."

"Your twiddlebugs just figured something out."

"Uh-uh."

Bert pursed his lips in frustration.

"Oscar was being nice!" he threw out wildly.

Ernie put a hand to his chest. "Good heavens no." he said, "Now that'd _really_ be something..!"

"Alright Ernie, I give up!" Bert burst, "You win. Just tell me. I've been guessing and guessing and nothing's been right! Now what is it?"

Ernie fumbled a bit, but managed to pin one of Bert's arms to the armrest.

"Oook Bert. Calm down there." he said, "I'll tell you."

He waited for Bert to stop hyperventilating. After a few seconds Bert settled down saying, "Ok Ernie. Ok. I'm good. Now what is it?"

"Well Bert," Ernie paused and swelled impressively for dramatic effect, "I love you." He gave a nod to finalize.

Bert simply stared at him for a moment.

"What, that's it?" he asked finally, "Ernie I know _that._ You've told me before, remember?"

"Well yeah," replied Ernie, "but that was _before_, Bert. Y'see, there's different kinds of love, Bert. _Before_ I meant it in the same way I do for everyone else; _now_ I mean it differently. Y'see, I'm _in_ love with you, Bert."

"So what's the distinction?" Bert puzzled, "This is Sesame Street Ernie, we need thorough explanations."

"Oh, well," Ernie started, "love can really be for anything, Bert. It's an attraction, like you and oatmeal, or me and Rubber Duckie. Kh-h-h! Now, when you're _in_ love, you feel such an attraction to a person that you want to be with them always. It's like Susan and Gordon; they're so in love they got married!"

"Ooooh..." Bert nodded.

"Right. So, in conclusion:" Ernie also nodded. Then he leaned forward and kissed Bert on the cheek. "I love ya, Bert ol' buddy..!"

Bert's eyebrow rose with the contact, and was now in danger of arching into his hairline.

"Huh..!" he gaped, shocked as comprehension finally dawned on him. Seconds passed, but at last words seemed to find him.

"Oh Ernie," he sniffed, "that is the single nicest thing you or anyone else has ever said to me." He sniffed deeply, then continued, "A-An' y'know what? Y'know what Ernie?"

"What Bert?" Ernie questioned honestly.

"C'mere."

Ernie leaned closer in honest curiosity, then started when he felt Bert kiss his forehead.

"I love you too pal."

Ernie gasped, hand flying to his chest again.

"Really Bert?" he yammered, "Oh, that is great Bert! That is-that is just great Bert! That makes me so happy! I am so very very happy! Doesn't that make you happy? Aren't you happy Bert?"

As Ernie blathered on, Bert slumped back in his chair.

"Well I _was..._" he grumbled. He watched Ernie yak for a couple of seconds, then sighed.

"Just don't expect that kinda thing every day, ok Ern?" he asked. Ernie didn't seem to hear him.

"Oh, whatever. I'll just tell him later." relented Bert, and he buried his head in his book once more.


End file.
